Your News Psychologist
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NextDraft
--> by Dave Pell + 3.11.04
The Doctor is Now In Every Thursday
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CULTURE-WRAP ... Off the Wall
PICTURE OF THE WEEK ... Abstinence Efforts
POLITICAL-WRAP ... Replacing an Icon
+ The new drug that could save lives, and ruin evenings...
Where the news always has issues...
Extra, Extra ... Electablog*
Don't miss the site Forbes calls
the number #1 political blog on the web.
http://www.electablog.com
CULTURE-WRAP
Off the Wall
Man, that Disney CEO Michael Eisner. I want to see
him rot. What a terrible guy. I'm on the verge of
driving out to the next Disney shareholder meeting
and giving that so and so a piece of my mind. At
least he's on the run now. At least the media and
the shareholders are after him. At least we will
finally see some justice done to this man who is
responsible for all the, well, all the, I mean
most of the ... wait a second. I just realized I
haven't really been following the Disney story
that carefully, I'm not a stockholder and I'm not
entirely sure of the issues surrounding the big
push to oust the longtime CEO. But never mind all
that. It at least feels good to know that one of
these jerks is getting what's been coming to him.
And it does feel good doesn't it? The truth is
that there is something about our makeup that has
created a social addiction to scandals, public
humiliations and dramatic downfalls of the rich
and/or famous. Sure, we like PDiddy and Jay Z, but
we need Vanilla Ice and M.C Hammer. Black Michael
Jackson was a nice-to-have. But white Michael
Jackson is essential. It hits us somewhere in the
gut. Somewhere we don't quite understand. But even
those among us who had never heard of Michael
Eisner are glued to the television set to watch
the human drama of him being body slammed. We like
going to movies, but we love rumors of Affleck at
a Canadian strip club. We are moved by politics and
leadership, but we are thrilled by Oval Office
indiscretions. Homeruns and hat tricks are nice,
but steroid scandals and hockey fights are nicer.
Everyone can appreciate a little well-placed
potpourri. But our need for late night jokes about
Martha Stewart's reservation at the big house is
rivaled on Maslow's Hierarchy only by food, water,
shelter and HBO.
When I think of this desire for the downfall of
others, I'm often reminded of the Jack Nicholson
monologue in A Few Good Men when he
explains that we all want him on that wall; we
need him on that wall. While that may very well be
true, there's something else we seem to want and
need. We need him to fall off that wall and land
in a knee-deep pile of cocaine, underaged same-sex
prostitutes, laundered money, shoplifted suits,
unpaid taxes, gambling debts, rehab receipts,
Smoking Gun mugshots, internet-downloadable
videotapes, exposed breasts, insider trades,
under-oath lies, lip-synched performances and
enough 'roids to make his hammies look like
watermelons.
Folks, we need David Crosby. We liked pre-Bobby
Whitney, but we are way more satisfied by
post-Bobby Whitney. Courtney Love is part of our
recommended daily diet. Winona Ryder should be
given a public service award. And Michael Eisner,
who has wasted all these years giving us cartoons
and amusement park rides, should be commended for
finally seeing the light and giving a ride we'll
really enjoy. This guy is just a hospitalized Goofy,
a missing weapon and a blood-covered sweatsuit away
from making our all time list.
One could argue that this is all about jealously.
We love to watch those who are more famous, more
wealthy or more powerful get dropped a few notches
on the totem pole. Or maybe it's more justified
than that. Maybe our cynicism is well-founded and
we're surrounded by so many lies and so much
falseness that catching anyone in the act is cause
for some kind of catharsis. A sort of validation,
and a chance to point a finger and say "Now do you
see what I'm talking about?" Everywhere we look,
our worst paranoias are confirmed as being
anything but. They cheat us everywhere from WMDs
and mutual funds to mass marketed midriffs and
four bladed razors. They're laughing at us and now
we finally get a chance to laugh at one of them.
Die Eisner. Die.
In a recent NY Times Magazine piece on the
trouble at Disney, the author wrote: "Whether or
not Eisner falls, the battle to oust him carries a
symbolism all its own. For the Walt Disney Company
is not just another lucrative film studio or
creator of theme parks but an essential part of
the American imagination. It practically invented
the idea of happy endings." Maybe that's true. But
the only places that Americans really like happy
endings are in wars, fiction and massage parlors.
...
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
the caption:
Abstinence-only proponents
step up their efforts.
the picture:
http://www.nextdraft.com/gtp/absgtp.html
...
POLITICAL-WRAP
Replacing an Icon
This week, this portion of ND is excerpted from Electablog:
http://www.electablog.com
Maybe it's because one of the walls in my house is
painted with Martha Stewart's Araucana Green (or
perhaps it's the non-stop coverage of what
promises to be America's most parodied perp walk),
but I find that I am unable to stop wondering who
will take over the company that bears her name
when Martha is stamping out the world's most
decorous license plates. A few names have come to
mind such as Ken Lay (we've got figure out some
way to get this guy in handcuffs and we now know
the path to damnation is lined with scented candles),
Rush Limbaugh (currently society's leading expert
on mother's little helper), David Chase (he's
all-too-familiar with taking away our icons for
18-24 months and we always welcome them back with
open arms), or my own stockbroker (not only is he
above doling out insider info, he's even - just to
be above reproach I suppose - failed to give me a
single decent buying tip). But none of these guys
could move enough towels, plates, pots and bland
recipes to keep Martha's empire afloat.
That's why I think Martha Stewart's board should
waste no time and hire either Republican Party
head Ed Gillespie or Democratic leader Terry
Mcauliffe. After all, we know that (regardless of
what they're selling) at least 48% of the public
will buy their products no questions asked.
...
For Further Analysis
The Drug that Could Save Your Life
But Ruin Your Evening...
While studying what exactly it is about getting
high that gives people the munchies, researchers
managed to take the first steps towards creating a
drug that blocks cannabis receptors in the brain
and makes it easier for people to both quit
smoking and lose weight. The drug called
Rimonabant could be out as soon as next year and
the hope is that it will be able to tap into brain
pathways associated with the pleasures of eating,
smoking tabacco and smoking weed.
This seems like a truly historic medical
breakthough. Unfortunately, now there's no
way left to celebrate...
... Our Time is up. See You Next Week.
Refer Other Patients to Our Group Therapy
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NextDraft ... Your News Psychologist
by Dave Pell
dave@nextdraft.com
http://www.nextdraft.com (subscribe here)
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